Ah, Human Resources. The department that says it’s here to help but somehow always leaves you questioning your life choices. Whether you’re trying to negotiate a raise, report a toxic coworker, or just figure out how much PTO you actually have left, dealing with HR can feel like navigating a labyrinth designed by lawyers.

Here’s a survival guide for handling HR without losing your sanity (or your job).

1. The Mysterious PTO Policy

You: “How much PTO do I have left?”
HR: “Great question! Our policy is very flexible.”
You: “So… how much?”
HR: “That depends!”

At this point, you’re better off summoning an ancient oracle to decode your company’s vacation policy.

2. The ‘Open Door’ That Isn’t Open

HR loves to say “We’re always here for you!” until you actually need something. Then it’s:

• “That’s something you should discuss with your manager.”
• “We’re still reviewing that policy.”
• “We’ll get back to you!” (Spoiler: they won’t.)

3. Asking for a Raise

If you want a raise, be prepared for the HR Olympics, where you must:
🏆 Gather 12 months of proof that you deserve more money
🏆 Read motivational blogs on “how to advocate for yourself”
🏆 Sit through a 30-minute meeting where HR nods sympathetically before saying, “Unfortunately, the budget…”

Meanwhile, Chad from sales just got a bonus for existing.

4. The ‘Mandatory’ Fun

HR loves team-building activities. You? Not so much. Nothing says “I love my job” like spending your lunch break doing trust falls with coworkers who won’t even hold the elevator for you.

Bonus points if they call it a “mandatory social”. Nothing says “fun” like the word mandatory.

5. The Mysterious ‘HR Investigation’

Ever report a problem to HR? Then you’ve probably heard this:

• “We take this very seriously.”
• “We’ll conduct a full investigation.”
• [Silence for six months]
• “We’ve decided to go in a different direction.”

Translation: Nothing will happen. Ever.

6. That One HR Email That Sparks Panic

The scariest words in corporate life: “Can you step into my office for a quick chat?”
Cue instant panic as you mentally replay every questionable Slack message you’ve ever sent.

7. The Exit Interview (a.k.a. The ‘Why Are You Really Leaving?’ Quiz)

If you quit, HR suddenly cares about your opinion! Expect questions like:

• “What could we have done to make you stay?”
• “How can we improve the company?”
• “Would you ever consider returning?”

They don’t actually want honest answers. Just smile, nod, and avoid saying, “Paying me fairly would’ve been a great start.”

Final Thoughts: HR—Friend or Foe?

HR’s job is to protect the company first, you second. So if you ever feel like they’re giving you the runaround… well, let’s just say, it’s not you—it’s them.

What’s the wildest experience you’ve ever had with HR? Drop it in the comments (anonymously, of course 😉).